However, truth be told, there have been some tough spots, but those ones are rarely shared. The last few years have been filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows. I'm always debating on how much of the rough stuff to share, especially on the interwebs. I've had times of incredible disappointment, anger, stress, sadness, and anxiety. There have been dark places where it was hard to see a way through the pain. It's brought me to my knees. I've pushed people away and contemplated running away from this life. It's in those moments where I've learned the most about myself, my resiliency, my ability to heal, and my community of support. I think creativity has become a healing practice, a form of meditation, and a gift to myself. The creativity has allowed me to focus on my gratitude, to feel more confident in sharing my expression of self, to be messy and make mistakes, to feel the good stuff and the painful emotions, and try to have a more optimistic outlook. With an intention to live a more wholehearted life and to be brave, my perspective has changed greatly. I'm trying to unlearn years of socialization, with a leaning towards criticism, rigidity, and doubt. It's a big shift and I'm a work in progress. I'll add that going to therapy has been one of the best decisions I've made in recently years. Seriously, it's saved me again and again. I was once embarrassed to admit that I was talking to someone, but now I share it openly and find myself continually encouraging others to do the same. As a friend said recently, self care is sexy.
With that said, there's some hard shit right now. I feel myself slipping into grief and old coping habits and I need a reminder. I'm recalling the last intention from the Brene Brown e-course: My story matters because I matter. I'm looking back at old art journal entries and I'm reminding myself to continue the heart work. That it's important to live an authentic life. To give myself permission. To be brave. To create clearing and remember my calm map. To set intentions. To forgive, namely myself. To stop letting fear and shame hold me back.