I seem to have a pattern.  The first day or two or three of mark making is enjoyable, but I keep getting stuck in the middle.  Damn that middle.  Not just stuck for a few minutes, but stuck for hours or days.  Staring, stewing, frustrated.  The exact opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing in brave and intuitive painting.  My type-A-ness in overdrive.  

It seems to be part of my process where halfway through, in the ugly stages, I want to throw the painting across the room.  Then, I allow myself to let go, give in, give up some of the painting, and make bold moves.  

​And just like that, it's fun again, the paint flows, my body moves easily, the music is usually loud, and I don't want to stop.  Yesterday that meant ten hours of painting and sore feet.    

Just 95 paintings to go.  Here's some (poorly lit) photos of how this one evolved... 

Given that I work best when I have time to create in long stretches, I've looked at my calendar for the next month and blocked off paint days.  I'm so excited about these days.  They will be dedicated to nothing but painting - no meetings, lunch dates, appointments, checking work email, etc.  Today was the first, and with everything going on in the world, it was much needed.  

​I woke up heartbroken and I needed a day free from the news and social media.  I retreated to my happy place, I was in a groove, I didn't sit for 8 hours, and if Jayden hadn't called and reminded me, I wouldn't have remembered to eat.  

This was the first painting I started at the Bloom True Workshop and here's where it began.  Paint drips, blindfolded finger painting, experimental mark making, and a lot of black paint.   

I loved these colors right away.  I probably loved them too much, because I was afraid to cover them up.  During the workshop, I consulted with Flora who said I had to let that go.  Noted.  Fear begone!

With more mark making, circles galore, and added color, this painting moved to the ugly stage.  U.G.L.Y., you aint got no alibi, you ugly, yeah, you ugly.  I could hardly look at it at this point and didn't touch if for the last two days of the retreat.  

After bringing it home, I spent a week looking at it and finally decided light was the way to go. 

It came together today, as I was moving slower, making deliberate moves, and starting to see it as a whole. 

I just spent four days participating in my first art retreat with Flora Bowley called Bloom True.  I want to write about it now before I slip back into my normal life and the fiery glow dissipates.  

Last year I participated in my first retreat ever, a Brene Brown Daring Way retreat, with my friend Gina.  I never wrote about in detail and I really wish I would have documented more.  Both were life changing, which sounds so cliche, but its so true.  

​Like the Daring Way retreat, I went in feeling terrified and vulnerable and left feeling forever grateful for the incredibly transformative experience.  Right now, I'm a couple days out, thirsting for more, raw with emotion, open to possibility, and embracing connection.  

This was more than an art retreat.  

​It was a total mind, body, and soul experience.  Flora (and her amazing team) curate a long weekend of magic that goes beyond painting.  There's so much to savor - the welcome meditation exercise, the stunning studio space in industrial Portland, gift bags full of goodies, delicious food (platters of gorgeous treats from LoveShovel and catered meals from local restaurants), optional morning yoga with Lynx, gifted mini paintings from Flora, live music from a local musician, a pop-up tea shop, an extended wine and pizza painting night, and Pearl the therapy dog.    

Vulnerability is hard.  

That's not to say I didn't struggle.  I ended day two with a meltdown, frustrated beyond belief, convinced I'd wasted my time and money, and questioning whether I wanted to return.  

Looking back, it's hard to believe I felt this way.  The third day I had major breakthroughs, overcame the fear, and worked it out.

​By the fourth day, I knew it was worth every penny and valued the process.    

This is my finished painting.  I learned so much about mark making, color, depth, bold moves, and layering.  Oh, the layers!  So many layers of paint here.  I had a couple folks offer to buy it before it was even done and several more since it's completion.  That's shocking and terrifying, but mostly, it's awesome and exciting and encouraging.  

​I came home, rearranged my craft room, and created a painting studio space.  Flora encouraged us to create 100 paintings and practice practice practice.  

So 99 more paintings to go.