I seem to have a pattern.  The first day or two or three of mark making is enjoyable, but I keep getting stuck in the middle.  Damn that middle.  Not just stuck for a few minutes, but stuck for hours or days.  Staring, stewing, frustrated.  The exact opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing in brave and intuitive painting.  My type-A-ness in overdrive.  

It seems to be part of my process where halfway through, in the ugly stages, I want to throw the painting across the room.  Then, I allow myself to let go, give in, give up some of the painting, and make bold moves.  

​And just like that, it's fun again, the paint flows, my body moves easily, the music is usually loud, and I don't want to stop.  Yesterday that meant ten hours of painting and sore feet.    

Just 95 paintings to go.  Here's some (poorly lit) photos of how this one evolved... 

Given that I work best when I have time to create in long stretches, I've looked at my calendar for the next month and blocked off paint days.  I'm so excited about these days.  They will be dedicated to nothing but painting - no meetings, lunch dates, appointments, checking work email, etc.  Today was the first, and with everything going on in the world, it was much needed.  

​I woke up heartbroken and I needed a day free from the news and social media.  I retreated to my happy place, I was in a groove, I didn't sit for 8 hours, and if Jayden hadn't called and reminded me, I wouldn't have remembered to eat.  

This was the first painting I started at the Bloom True Workshop and here's where it began.  Paint drips, blindfolded finger painting, experimental mark making, and a lot of black paint.   

I loved these colors right away.  I probably loved them too much, because I was afraid to cover them up.  During the workshop, I consulted with Flora who said I had to let that go.  Noted.  Fear begone!

With more mark making, circles galore, and added color, this painting moved to the ugly stage.  U.G.L.Y., you aint got no alibi, you ugly, yeah, you ugly.  I could hardly look at it at this point and didn't touch if for the last two days of the retreat.  

After bringing it home, I spent a week looking at it and finally decided light was the way to go. 

It came together today, as I was moving slower, making deliberate moves, and starting to see it as a whole. 

I just spent four days participating in my first art retreat with Flora Bowley called Bloom True.  I want to write about it now before I slip back into my normal life and the fiery glow dissipates.  

Last year I participated in my first retreat ever, a Brene Brown Daring Way retreat, with my friend Gina.  I never wrote about in detail and I really wish I would have documented more.  Both were life changing, which sounds so cliche, but its so true.  

​Like the Daring Way retreat, I went in feeling terrified and vulnerable and left feeling forever grateful for the incredibly transformative experience.  Right now, I'm a couple days out, thirsting for more, raw with emotion, open to possibility, and embracing connection.  

This was more than an art retreat.  

​It was a total mind, body, and soul experience.  Flora (and her amazing team) curate a long weekend of magic that goes beyond painting.  There's so much to savor - the welcome meditation exercise, the stunning studio space in industrial Portland, gift bags full of goodies, delicious food (platters of gorgeous treats from LoveShovel and catered meals from local restaurants), optional morning yoga with Lynx, gifted mini paintings from Flora, live music from a local musician, a pop-up tea shop, an extended wine and pizza painting night, and Pearl the therapy dog.    

Vulnerability is hard.  

That's not to say I didn't struggle.  I ended day two with a meltdown, frustrated beyond belief, convinced I'd wasted my time and money, and questioning whether I wanted to return.  

Looking back, it's hard to believe I felt this way.  The third day I had major breakthroughs, overcame the fear, and worked it out.

​By the fourth day, I knew it was worth every penny and valued the process.    

This is my finished painting.  I learned so much about mark making, color, depth, bold moves, and layering.  Oh, the layers!  So many layers of paint here.  I had a couple folks offer to buy it before it was even done and several more since it's completion.  That's shocking and terrifying, but mostly, it's awesome and exciting and encouraging.  

​I came home, rearranged my craft room, and created a painting studio space.  Flora encouraged us to create 100 paintings and practice practice practice.  

So 99 more paintings to go.  

A few months ago, after taking Kelly Rae Robert's mantra painting course, I decided to try my hand at painting faces.  I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed it and they turned out better than I anticipated.  Shortly thereafter, Kelly announced an angel painting class.  The timing was unreal and I signed up right away.  In this first painting, she teaches how to use oil pastels, which I'd never used and I'm looking forward to experimenting with more.  

  Here's a couple progress photos, which show the evolution of this painting.  

Also, here's a painting I created a couple months ago, which I never shared and want to document here.  I'm curious how my work will evolve through the next six months of this course as I incorporate my style with Kelly's techniques.  

Years ago, likely in my first and last college drawing class, I decided I couldn't draw or paint people.  That was over fifteen years ago and I haven't tried since.  Today I stared at several background and felt stuck.  On a whim, I decided to try creating faces again, but this time using a different and less realistic style.  I incorporated a mixed media background, stayed loose, imperfect, and messy with my lines, and didn't have any expectations about the results.  

Except that I loved everything about the process, my mind was racing with different ideas, and I couldn't wait to paint more.  I felt inspired, to say the least.  So I kept painting.  

This time I added more techniques from Kelly Rae Robert's Mixed Media Mantras e-course.  I added medium through a stencil to create a resist, layers of acrylic paint, stamping, and collage.  

Here's my sixth canvas for the Kelly Rae Robert's Mixed Media Mantras e-course.  I've got mixed feeling about this one.  I'm not sure I love it as a whole, but I like the close-ups and the detail work.  What's funny is that I was totally feeling this piece throughout the whole process until I put it all together.  I feel like I'm trying so hard to incorporate new techniques, find my style, and plan ahead that I'm struggling more.  Go figure.  I think for the next one I'll go back to her videos, use her style and recommendations, and keep it simple.  

All the little details seem to get lost when you look at it as a whole, but I appreciate that you can see all of them when you look at it up close.  There's stamps, stencils, washi tape, and paint graduation throughout the background and collages pieces.  

I'm still learning how to use these paint pens, but I can already see I'm going to love them.  They splatter a bit when used on the rough parts of the canvas, but I'm getting the hang of it.  Besides, happy mistakes!

Here's my fifth canvas for the Kelly Rae Robert's Mixed Media Mantras e-course.  I started with her mixed media background techniques, but wanted to play with my new pasco paint pens and draw.  For as long as I can remember, I've always doodled.  I used to get in trouble for this in school, because teachers thought I was ignoring them.  Now I teach high school students about understand their learning styles and encourage doodlers to use it their advantage.  Lately, I've been more intentional in my drawings, practicing different styles (usually botanicals and lettering), and thinking about how I can incorporate it into my paintings.    

Here's my fourth canvas for Kelly Rae Robert's Mixed Media Mantras e-course and the first one that felt effortless.  I didn't critique every move, continually wonder what I was doing wrong, or question what I should be doing instead.  My self doubt gremlins were in check.  Progress!    

I started this one entirely with collage.  While I've hidden most of the collaged background, I love the dimension it continues to add to the painting.  I incorporated flower doodles, doilies, and stenciled and tinted modeling paste, which continues to meld my art journaling and scrapbooking elements into my painting.    

My second canvas for Kelly Rae Robert's Mixed Media Mantras e-course!  While I still struggle with moving quickly and find myself over-thinking e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, it's getting easier.  For example, I'm normally very particular about my stamp placement and making sure it aligns perfectly, but I challenged myself to loosen up.  I am growing to appreciate the inconsistencies and happy mistakes.  

I made a bunch of my own stencils and borders (thank you cameo die cut machine!), but I need to find old books and images for collaging.  And I need more paint.  One thing at a time.  I just love this process so much.  It feels like the perfect transition from art journaling and scrapbooking.  

I've completed all the lessons in Kelly Rae Robert's Mixed Media Mantras e-course and made my first painting.  I loved the background, but moved between frustration, adoration, and dislike for this finished piece.  I feel like I added too many small collage elements, I really wish I would have done a different placement with the mantra, and the balance is off.  However, as the day progressed, I gave myself permission to be imperfect and reminded myself several things: I'm still learning, stay unattached, this is only the beginning.